Here is a story for you guys who like to read them, to enjoy. This one is pure comedy. It is from years ago. We decided to take a break from our main D&D characters for a week or two, and play something just completely fun. I made a half orc named Rok Ard, and another in our group made another orc, named Fok Dop. We only played one or two nights, then went back to our normal campaign, and never picked this one up again. But I thought it was hilarious enough, that I wrote it down in story form, so I could keep a record of it. This is exactly how the game went, from Rok’s perception.
Enjoy!
This da journal of Rok Ard. Me Half Orc. This da recollections of mes journeys as me saw dem.
Rok Ard and Fok Dop set out from tribe on big quest for da tribe. You not worry about quest… Rok tell about dat later sometime.
First human town we come to is called Dannon Falls, or something like dat. Rok not pay a lot of attention to names. Just after we get to town, orcs attack it. Not Rok Ard orcs or Fok Dop orcs. Other orcs. Mean tribe from north that we not have dealing with. Orcs just camp outside of town and not let anyone in or out.
One morning, Rok and Fok wake up and find wes don’t have no more food in our packs. So we go to human inn to find food. Ale better dan food so we ask for dat when we get there. Man in charge say 5 gold for ale. He say food and ale prices gone way up because orcs have town cut off from food supply. Rok only have 5 gold total so forget dat. Rok and Fok decide to go find work to make gold. We strong half orcs. Somebody pay us to do something we sure. Inn man in charge tell us to go to mayor for work. So we leave. Out in street we see smelly little elf girl argueing with fat guard. Elves is good for eating, but dis a human town and wes got to be good in it, so we goes on to mayor tower.
When we get to mayor tower, Rok goes right up to door. Guard men try to stop Rok, but mes don’t care. Mes jus’ goes up and bangs on door and shouts “Rok wants mayor’s money!” There lots of commotion happen. Rok not understand why. Finally stupid humans figure out wes here to find work for gold. During commotion, other people wander up looking to work for gold too. Des be silly elf girl from street, human man in shiny armor, little human man dat look funny with eagle on shoulder, and talking cow. De talking cow really amaze Rok and Fok. Wes can’t stop looking at it. Talking cow also plays big music instrument of some kind. It make us amazed every time he do this or talk.
So fat human guard at tower say he give us work for gold. He say all of us there can go together and make lots of gold. He want us to go find a Keep (me think that a big human guard house) to the south, that has been taken over by enemy. He want us to take it back so city can use it to defend against orcs. He offer some gold now and more gold when we get back. Fok Dop and shiny man start arguing with fat human about how much gold he pay us. Shiny man finally get upset an walk off. Rok Ard (dat me) get bored and take money when price at 50 golds. Fat man ask if that mean Rok is signing on. Me say “ya whatever” and fat man gives Rok bag of gold. Fat man says something about Rok joining group to clear out keep now. Rok just ignore him. Rok got gold and might go to keep when Fok ready and might not.
Fok keep argueing about price. Fok finally argue dat fat guard give Fok some gold now to go to keep, and then get to keep da Keep when done. He say it ok to put sign out front of Keep dat say Fok Dop Keep. Gud, cause Rok getting hungry. Man ask again how many going to Fok Dop Keep. Rok say he go, so man gives Rok another bag of gold. Rok take it. Den fat man realize he already gave Rok a bag of gold and try to take it back. Rok not give it back. Rok give bag of gold to Fok Dop, and tell Fok Dop lets go eat, Rok hungry. Rok den convince fat guard to feed us some rabbit if he want us to attack keep, cuz we can’t fight on empty stomach. Man agrees, and Fok Dop see point in dis cause he hungry too. Rok Ard and Fok Dop decide to go to human inn and eat rabbit and then come back tomorrow and get more gold from fat man.
Silly elf girl and funny little man with eagle follow us to inn, to eat too. When we get inside, stinky little elf girl start asking for soap. What she want soap for, Rok ask? Soap only make her more stinky dan she already is. Soap stink. Fok Dop claim soap only good for eating. It make mouth feel all tingly. Stinky elf say she want a bathtub too. Dis jus’ amaze Rok. What she need bathtub for? Der big pot of hot water hangin right over fireplace dat be perfect for washing off. Not with soap though. To demonstrate, Rok go over to big pot and start washing himself with hot water from it. Rok even stick whole head in water to wash off hair. Big commotion happen again. Humans start hollering about dat being cookin’ pot for rabbits. Oooo, dis make Rok happy! Rok reach down in pot and sure enough, Rok find rabbit! Rok start getting rabbits out for everybody and putting them on plates. Fok Dop help. Little stinky elf girl look disgusted and goes off to take bath by herself. When she come back, Rok not understand. She stink more, she smell like soap. She eats rabbit dat server girl swears was not in pot, then she says she has somewhere to be, and leaves.
Funny little man with eagle stay and eat and even try soap. Rok notice more about eagle, man seem to know what it think. Rok ask man if he a nature man, and he say yeah. Rok like dat. Rok like nature and wilderness a lot. Dis man might be ok. He say his name is Roleaf. Rok introduce him and Fok. “Me Rok Ard. Him Fok Dop.”
After long time, stinky elf girl come back, now she got dat shiny armored man with her. They say they have decided to go to Keep and do what fat guard asked. They have talking cow outside and want us all to go help them. Rok and Fok like talking cow so we go with them. Talking cow amazing. Did Rok say dat already?
We heading south and come to bride over water. There be little goblins on the bridge. Rok see more goblins hiding in bushes. It an ambush. Goblins see Rok and Fok and start talking to us in orcish. It obvious they think we have humans and stinky elf and talking cow as prisoner. In talking to cow along the way, Rok find out his name be Duck Tack. At least dat what it sound like he say. Anyway, Rok and Fok go to bridge to talk to goblins. We convince them to act like dey gonna fight us, we will swing and miss, and then they run off. Fok tell them we taking prisoners to their leader orc.
So goblin shout something, Fok swing at him, and Fok accidentally hit him and kill him. Big fight happen. Rok pull out axe and start to fight. Rok miss little goblin badly, and end up throwing axe in water. People fighting all around. Rok try his dagger but it too little, Rok go get axe. Little goblin follow Rok into water and keep trying to stick him, but Rok not care. Rok got good cow hide armor on, and goblin not wearing good armor. Rok fish around and finally find greataxe in water, and pick it up and split goblin head in two. By dat time everyone else got all other goblins killed. Rok take a few gold from goblin and climb back up to bridge, and ready to head to Fok Dop Keep. Shiny man try to tell us he here that Keep is run down and we don’t want it, but Rok not believe him. We still make sign and put it outside so world will know it ours.
So everbody standing on bridge, and Fok Dop start not feeling well. Rok just think he in need of more ale. He decide to go back to town for while, and then catch back up later. Sick half orc no gud in fight anyway. Rok tell Fok he leave a Fok Dop trail and when Fok feel better he follow trail and catch back up. Fok say ok, and head back to town, while Rok head down to help take over Fok Dop Keep.
After while, path turn, and Rok see a big valley before him. On left, Rok see da Fok Dop Keep in distance, jus’ waitin’ to be taken. On right, dere be a farm. Farm be under attack by little goblins, shooting rocks at it with catapult. Somebody in party see little girl hiding bout halfway between goblins and farm house, behind well. Party stand for long long time wondering what to do, whether to go to keep, or save little girl. Shiny man say he need to rest anyway before trying to fight at keep. Rok get bored listening to people wonder what to do. So Rok head off to farm house to see what in it. Surely dere something more interestin’ in vacant farm house than listenin to elfs and cows and humans. Maybe der be some healing herbs in farm house. Then shiny man can use them and wes can go ahead and take Fok Dop Keep.
Rok walk down to farm house. Boulders flying around from catapult, but Rok not care about silly goblins. Elfsie and Duktak talk about wanting to save girl hiding behind well, but Rok not care much about that either. Rok walk right up to farm house and try door. Door locked, so Rok break it down. When Rok walk in, Rok get surprised. House not vacant like Rok think it was. Little old human man shout, “They here, they done broke the door and got in the house, maw!” and then grab pitchfork and start poking Rok with it. Old maw woman come after Rok with big metal pan. Now Rok try to tell people that Rok not hurt them and just here to look for healing herbs, but they won’t listen. Rok just about to get angry and get out battleax. All sudden, shiny man jump in door and pin old man up against wall and explain things to him. Rok not know why people misunderstand him so much. Rok shrug and turn around and start going through drawers to look for healing herbs. Lots of shouting happen in background, but Rok stop listening.
Rok keep going through drawers and cabinets looking for healing herbs. Der lots of conversations in background, people talking about whether to kill goblins that attacking, who little girl at well is, why half orc going through knicker drawer, and stuff like dat. Finally Rok all exasperated. Rok say, “All mes want is healing herbs, mes mean no harm.” Farm woman gets funny look on her face and says, “well, I am something of an herbalist, why didn’t you say something?” So Rok make deal with farm woman. Rok kill goblins that attacking with catapult, and she give Rok some healing herbs. Farm woman agrees and Rok immediately head out door to kill goblins. Shiny healer man with skull on his armor and little eagle boy follow Rok across field. Duk-tack and elfsie girl are outside with girl from well. They shout “wait! wait! wait!” but Rok not care. Rok want healing herbs and little goblins flinging boulders with catapult no match for Rok Ard half orc.
Rok get up hill where goblins have catapult, and take out battleaxe. Rok hear others join in to help. Rok miss goblin and drop his axe again. Stupid battleaxe have slippery grip, because it not being used enough. Rok take out short bow and it seem to work better. Finally all goblins but one be killed. One go running away, but Rok not worry about it. Everbody see what they can get off goblins they kill. Rok find funny little instrument on his goblin. Duk-tak say it a mandolin, but he don’t want it. Rok try to play it but string breaks. Rok put it in pack anyway, maybe learn to play mandolin sometime later. Others decide to head back, but Rok have great Rok Ard idea! Rok tell others we take catapult back with us, then use catapult to fling boulders across keep wall when we take Fok Dop Keep! Others for some reason think this not good idea. They even cut a rope on catapult so goblins can’t come back and use it, then walk off. Rok think he have good idea though, so Rok try to push catapult himself. Little eagle nature boy only one to come back and try to help Rok Ard. Together half orc and human push. Catapult move little bit. Wes push again. Catapult start moving little more. We go 1, 2, 3, and give great big push, and all sudden catapult start rolling on its own! Rok Ard and Eagle boy both manage to jump on catapult as it start rolling down hill. HAR! Other people in party scatter and run while Rok Ard ride catapult bouncin’ down hill. Rok throw hands in air on back of catapult as it zoom into farm and shout “Rok Ard save you all!!”
Catapult come to stop in muddy field. Farmer and wife come running out of house, and farmer is all mad. He shout something about half orc tearing up his field and crops. Rok Ard tell farmer he ought to be happy. Rok Ard have deal with farm wife. Rok do his part, and bring back catapult as proof, now she give Rok some healing herbs. She good honorable woman so she do this. Rok put some herbs in his pack, and give part of them to shiny healer man. His name, Rok find out, is Valek. Group decide to stay at farm house and rest for the night. Rok decide to sleep outside and watch Rok Ard catapult.
At some point Rok come in before humans go to sleep and check on them. They been talking to farmer, and say they decide to go down in well, because they find out that well is secret passage underground to keep. Rok think it better idea to storm keep with new catapult, but they hear nothing of it. If they go in well, Rok probably follow them, cause Rok do know there strength in numbers. Anyway, Rok ask if anyone have rope. They very wary of Rok for some reason. Rok not know why. Finally little elfsie girl say she got some rope and want to know how much Rok wants. She say she only got 200 feet. Rok only see two feet on elfsie but not know what that got to do with rope. Rok shrug and stretch out hands and say this much. She say oh! She laugh and cut two arms length of rope and give it to Rok. Rok take rope, go back outside, and use rope to repair what was cut on catapult to make it work again.
During night, Rok hear some voices off in dark. They raspy little voices. Sound like they planning something. Rok not think much about it, until they start talking about killing traitor half orc, and Rok realize this mean Rok. So Rok just pull catch, and let boulder in catapult fly towards where Rok think voices are. Rok hear crashes and splashes, bunch of scurrying in dark, and raspy voices saying “get out of here, he’s got the catapult!” Then all quiet.
Rok realize that this must be goblins that come back and was gonna attack again in dark. Rok also realize he have no boulders around to reload catapult. So Rok have grand Rok Ard idea. Rok Ard ideas good. Rok tell eagle boy, (who decided to stay outside with Rok, Rok think eagle boy make good half orc), Rok tell him to watch catapult, while Rok goes and finds something to use as ammo. Rok goes back up hill, and gathers all the dead goblins from the afternoon. Rok takes them back and puts one in basket of catapult and resets it. There. Rok figure it give goblins good scare if they come back and Rok shoot dead goblins back at them. Rok stack other dead goblins up beside catapult, ready to use.
Morning light come. Rok see movement out of corner of eye while half asleep. Rok think goblins are back so Rok quick on trigger, release catch, and dead goblin go flying. Dead goblin not fly as good as boulder. It go flopping through air, and drop in middle of farmer’s yard. Then Rok notice movement was not goblins, it was farm family and rest of Rok’s party waking up and coming out of house. They look at Rok funny but not say nothing much.
Farm family have decided to leave farm for now, it too dangerous and somethin about field being ruined. They going to go into town and stay for while. Rest of Rok’s party have decided to go down into well. Rok tell farmer not to worry about catapult. Rok say, leave it there in field. After Rok take over Fok Dop Keep, Rok come back with horse and pull catapult to keep. Oh and while farmer going to town, if he see a Fok Dop half orc on path, tell him what happen, and that we jump down well to go to keep. Farmer grumble a a lot and say ok.
Rok go over to well to see what going on. Party have rope tied to catapult, and drop it down into well. Elfsie girl climb down rope to have looksee. She scream, something down there make loud noise, so Rok pull her up out of well. She say she saw what look like big bat. Valek, shiny man, say he have vision last night of giant bat and it bad. Eagle boy go into farm house and come back with lamp, because humans can’t see in dark. Rok try to convince everbody that catapult a better idea, but no, they still want to go down well and fight giant evil bat. Elfsie say there water at the bottom of well, it open into big cavern, and water is a underground stream running through it. Rok use rope to figure out water is 100 forearms down, and 10 forearms deeps. Duk-tak need some way to hold big instrument he play, so Rok give him 6 forearms of rope. Then sling it over well and everbody start going down, one at a time.
Rok next to last in line, and when he get down there finally, they having a time with big evil bat. Rok take out short bow and kill it with one arrow between the eyes. Rok starting to think bow is better weapon than stupid battleaxe with slippery grip. After everone get together, wes head out and follow cave. After while, we come to ravine, with rope bridge across is. Rok leading, so he see ogre hiding, holding rope on other side. This look fishy. Rok and Valek decide to shoot at ogre, to distract him, while elfsie girl sneak across bridge. This work until elfsie girl just about across bridge, and ogre see her. He pull rope, bridge falls, and elfsie girl falls into ravine. It about 20 arms deep, so she bruised, but ok. Rest of us kill ogre, and another one that come up, with our bows and slings. Elfsie girl manage to climb up other side of ravine, but we see it gonna be very hard. Also, stream run though middle of ravine. Rok take this time to remind everbody how good idea the catapult was.
People not know how to get across ravine. So Rok come up with idea. Ravine looks to be about 25-30 forearms across. Rok know there about 3 times that much rope laying slack on ground back at well. Rok go back and cut rope off at ground level, and take it back to ravine. There just enough rope to throw to Elfsie, she tie it to rock, through back and forth, to string rope three times across ravine. It make a rope to walk on, and a rope on either side to hold onto, and walk across ravine. Everbody do this except Duk-tak. He a real big cow, and he afraid he will break rope. So he try his luck at climbing down into ravine, swim across water, and climb up other side. It hard, but he finally make it. Then wes head on down tunnel. Wes come to big plain door. Der be no markins, no handles, and door won’t budge. We decide to rest here a minute, to catch breath and see if Fok Dop happen to show up anytime soon.
Rok take one more opportunity to remind everbody how good idea catapult was.